


In The Wake Of Decisions (Post-Episode 2x20 "Beside Still Waters")

by Splittergheist



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 1x12 "Malec", 2x20 "Beside Still Waters", Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Based on a Tumblr Post, Crashed Wedding, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, I wrote that in one night, I'm proud, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Meliorn Helps Raphael, Panromantic Raphael Santiago, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Protective Raphael, Raphael Santiago Saves The Day, Selfless Simon Lewis, Spanish Pet Names, The Seelie Queen is not Amused, almost cheating, there are parallels to 1x12 "Malec"
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-18 16:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11878557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splittergheist/pseuds/Splittergheist
Summary: When Raphael hears about certain decisions some fledgling has made, he forgets for a moment how mad he actually is at that person and saves them from themself and their utter selflessness.ORRaphael Santiago crashes Simon Lewis' wedding with the Seelie Queen like his friend Magnus Bane did some time ago - only with... unique methods.





	1. A Letter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BeautifulLyricsAlways](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautifulLyricsAlways/gifts).



> This is a fanfic based on [ this post](https://lovelifekismet.tumblr.com/post/164237180170/i-need-a-saphael-version-and-a-jimon-version-of). I hope you have fun with it! :3

# Prolog: Of Being Sorry

> Raphael,  
>  I didn't mean it. I know that's easier said than believed, and, god, I wish I could say that to your face, but for now, this is easier and... Yeah, so, here, my apology: I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry, okay? You can be utterly inpatient at times and strict and stubborn, yes, yes of course, but none of that... None of that is an excuse for that garbage I spit into your face about your sister and how she would hate you. Fuck, reading that written down, it feels even more unjustified.  
>  I really fucked up, didn't I? It's probably not helping my case, but Izzy had that idea. Which, doesn't mean that I had to participate in it, sure, but...  
>  Man, I was so angry.  
>  And hella scared of you.  
>  No offense.  
>  Or, okay, maybe a little. You can be quite scary.  
>  No, scratch that. You can be _utterly_ scary sometimes. Sorry, but that's a fact, I'm not making this up.  
>  I mean, why would I even lie in a letter that's- Why would I lie in an apology letter? Yeah. Doesn't make any sense.  
>  You.. you can write me back if you want. Or not. I'd understand if you didn't even read that whole thing. Just. Sorry, Raphael.  
>  Simon 


	2. A Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meliorn and Raphael work together and Simon is completely shocked.

# Chapter One: The Ex Of My Ex Is Not As Bad Of A Person, Really

The truth. The truth of things, sometimes needs to stay hidden until you find the right moment to tell it to whom it may concerns. Raphael knew that this moment had approached with the speed of a train coming off its tracks, and it was exactly as violent in its demand of attention. There was no running away anymore. Not from that. The only way was forward and as much as it pained him, risking so much, putting it on the line to save a person he had grown close to, despite their differences and fights - Raphael knew all of it didn't matter now, as time didn't wait for noone and he could be mad at Simon later.

Their footsteps echoed through the enchanted forest as the vampire and the seelie knight made their way through it. Why Meliorn had told Raphael about Simon's arguebly stupid but understandable decision in the first place, was beyond him. Officially, the seelie saw this as working together to save another loved friend, as Raphael had done with Meliorn and Isabelle before. But the vampire questioned the knight's intentions heavily. It was more than plausible, that Meliorn just wanted to have a good relationship with Raphael to ask for a favour if he needed it later. Maybe it had something to do with Isabelle as well. Raphael didn't care enough to ask questions when Simon's future was at stake.

When they finally reached the court, the vampire's steps came to an abrupt halt as he saw the guards of the Queen blocking the path. Upon sight, one of them stepped forward and asked, rather harshly: **"What is it you want, vampire?"** , followed by **"The Queen does not have the time for visitors today, or in the following days. She's occupied with her wedding."**

 _Wedding._ The word alone, in connection with Simon and the Seelie Queen, stung painfully in Raphael's chest. This was so wrong on so many levels. There was no way in hell that Simon did this out of love. He had seen him with the werewolf girl and he knew how happy they looked together, even if that pained him a little as well. But Simon's happiness was more important, and so was the friendship between Raphael and him; if that meant that Simon was dating Maia, then Raphael was ready to accept this within a metaphorical heartbeat. Just like Magnus dated the mortal Shadowhunter, despite knowing about Alec's mortal state and the inevitable pain later, Raphael would support Simon's relationship with Maia - at least to the point where he _saved the fledgling from agreeing to a marriage with the Seelie Queen, just to save everyone else because of how selfless he was._

He cleared his throat. **"That's exactly why I wish to speak with the Queen. Please ask her, and her ... soon-to-be husband for a minute of their time."**

The guards didn't look pleased, until, suddenly, Meliorn appeared behind them. How he had gotten around them without getting seen would remain a mystery, Raphael had to unfold later. **"I will bring him to the Queen. Follow me, vampire."** Their weapons parted immediately and Raphael went through, glancing at them both for a moment, before following Meliorn. He didn't ask why or how; they didn't have time and the risk of someone hearing their whispers was way to high to be taken. At the moment, Raphael simply trusted Meliorn to know what he was doing. And, well, also that this wasn't a well-planned betrayal. But if it was, there was certainly no way out of this now anymore anyway.

The place was decorated beautifully. With flowers and feathers and gems all over. Only the most gorgeous and magical of fabric had been used to garnish the tables and chairs, and maybe Raphael would've found it beautiful as well, if not his whole soul ached, while fighting against accepting what this all meant.

The preparations seemed finished, but the ceremony hadn't started yet. There were a lot of seelies present, from all over the realm, assumingly. Meliorn lead Raphael through them, the crowd parting before the two men. Whispers arose, and the clan leader didn't even need his enhanced senses to know what they were talking about. Nobody wanted to have him here, that was more than clear.

Simon stood at the front of the room, equally decorated with flowers and gems. None other than the Queen presumably had given him the bright green suit jacket he was wearing right now. Raphael silently noted that this shade of green definitely wasn't Simon's colour and even if it had been: The fledgling looked utterly sad and broken. The burden of his decision was lying heavily on his shoulders, nearly crushing him underneath. To anyone who knew a bit about body language, it was clear that this man didn't want any of it but was trying to accept his fate. 

Raphael felt sick by only looking at him. Where was the boy's laughter and dorky smiles? Where the light in his eyes or his nervous but happy fidgeting? All gone, because the boy thought he had to sacrifice his happiness to save the ones he loved. It was almost admirable.

 **"Simon!"** Raphael called out, standing on the carpet leading up to the end of the room, not more than 13 feet away. Dragged out of his thoughts, the fledgling immediately looked up, searching for the source of this familiar voice. At the sight of his clan leader standing in between all these seelies, obviously not fitting in with them at all, Simon's eyes widened. Raphael came closer one, two, three steps and repeated the other's name, quieter this time. 

The young man took a frightened look around, before closing the distance between them. **"Raphael, you shouldn't be here,"** he started, his voice already trembling again, he stumbling over his own tongue. **"I appreciate the effort, man, but you have to leave. Now. She- She will kill you. Or-or worse. Please, Raphael, you can't stay--"**

The older vampire placed his hands on the fledgling's shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. **"I won't leave you here, Simon. I know that you think this is the best to save your friends, but this-"** Raphael took an unnecessary breath. **"This, is a mistake."**

Where only a minute ago, the crowd had whispered loudly around them, it suddenly got silent. Raphael felt _her_ presence, even before he turned around to face her. **"I see, we have a special guest? Mr Santiago, I did not invite you, so why are you here?"** Her voice, just warm enough to not freeze the blood in Raphael's veins, hadn't lost any of its sharp tone, that she usually covered up with sweet words. Now, however, the mood had changed.

With barely, but necessarily contained anger, Raphael spoke to her. **"Your majesty, I have come for Simon. To take him back home with me. We- _I_ need him there."** The crowd gasped at that, some laughter errupted.

The Queen tilted her head and didn't speak immediately. Instead, she rounded the clan leader and came to an halt next to the youngest of them. **"Is that so, Mr Santiago? I'm sure you see that we are in the middle of something more important. Simon cannot leave. Not even for a clanmeeting."** She side slided her arm into the loop of Simon's arm and smiled at Raphael, cold and victoriously. She was sure he knew to read between the lines. If she was actually aware of what the clan leader meant with his words, the vampire could only guess that, but better he assumed she did.

But he wasn't here to tell _her_ about his feelings. He needed to tell _him_. He needed to explain to Simon, just _how_ important he was. **"It is not... a clanmeeting I need Simon for, your majesty."**

The fledgling at the Queen's side could only stare at both of them, watch this drama unfold and hope Raphael wouldn't get hurt. 

**"Then what is it, Mr Santiago? Speak, please, I am sure everyone here wants to know."** Of course she was making fun of him. Of course she was. If you'd ask her, she would deny that, telling you, it was merely a game and she was wining. She didn't need to humilate her opponent even more, if he was doing that all by himself, right? 

Raphael's dark eyes flickered to Simon while he took another unnecessary breath and swallowed harder than usual. His jaw muscles contracted at the thought of really, actually saying these things out loud that had been spooking through his mind for a few weeks now. After the thing with Isabelle had been over and done with, both knowing there was no going back - it really was better this way - Raphael had had time to muse about the relationship he was having with Simon. How it all went wrong - how _much_ it went wrong. How he was still hoping for the fledgling to come back into the Hotel DuMort, despite the fact that he knew he shouldn't hope. Shouldn't wish. The things Simon had hissed into Raphael's face had hit deep, but some days later, after they had rescued Max, a letter had found its way into the clan leader's hands... 

Needless to say, Raphael had forgiven him, even if only silently. He hadn't been ready to meet him again. He hadn't been, before Meliorn told him about the wedding. And now it didn't matter if he was ready. There were more important things at stake.

Still, for the first time in front of Simon, Raphael was visibly nervous, in the way he massaged his hands and inhaled deeply, again and again, though vampires didn't need to breath at all. All eyes were lying on him now, most notably Simon's and the Queen's. One pair deep brown, without it's usual spark of happiness, and the other icy blue, looking like they were about to shoot daggers into Raphael's chest, but all hidden under an oh-so-sweet smile of a now mature looking woman. Raphael figured it would've been even weirder for Simon to marry the Queen in her child form, which was why she had adapted.

Raphael cleared his throat. **"Simon, you are important to me. And I have forgiven you. In fact, I would like to thank you for that letter."** Simon's eyes widened a small bit at that, but there was a glimpse of joy and relief in his eyes. **"This... This probably comes as a surprise to you, but..."** Another shaky breath. **"I like you a lot, despite the stupid things you do and the chaos you cause. And I know you're selfless to your core and you only want the best for your friends and family, but, again, this,"** he made a waving hand gesture, vaguely including the whole room, **"This is a mistake. You actually don't want this. And there are different ways to achieve what you're so worried about. You don't need to sacrifice your happiness for this."**

The Seelie Queen's smile froze, but neither of the two vampires looked at her in that moment, so none of them noticed. Her tone matched her stare, as she intervened, preventing Simon from replying. **"He wanted this, Mr Santiago. He pleaded for his friend's, especially his _girlfriend's_ life, and I most generously accepted his deal. Why are you doubting his decision making skills? Shouldn't you not belittle him, as his leader and mentor?"**

Raphael hated how she tried to twist his words around to make him seem like the bad guy here, and he hated how he couldn't exactly shut her up, because there were too many armed guards around. No. If Simon and he should ever leave this court again, then only because the Seelie Queen allowed them too. **"I'm not belittleing him, your majesty,"** he said, without a smile, **"I'm merely making sure he knows he has a choice. And he doesn't need to choose between you and his friend's safety."**

She hesitated. Simon, in the meantime, was apparently thinking this whole thing through, unsure if he could simply agree with Raphael and go. **"If you are so worried about his stay in my court, where he would be safe while I promise to not bother with his friends anymore, then why don't you prove it?"**

Raphael tensed up, eyes fixed on her. **"Prove what?"**

There was the sweetest of dangerous smiles on her lips as she said: **"Prove to him, how much he means to you, Mr Santiago. Tell him, what you actually mean, when you say you like him."**

If Raphael's heart had still beaten, it probably would've skipped a beat now. But instead of him, Simon spoke up first, stumbling over his tongue while the words left him too quickly. **"No no, my Queen, I'm- I'm sure that he-- that it's- that is not necessary, I mean. I- I know exactly what he means, it's-"** She interrupted him sharply.

**"Simon, have you not promised to marry me? Unless there is someone else who proposed to you, I suggest we get on with this. You would not want to leave your Queen waiting, would you?"**

That left the fledgling quite speechless. **"I- I mean, it's not like I'm promised to-- I didn't think-- What I mean to say--"** Again, he was interrupted, but by Raphael clearing his throat this time. And when he turned his gaze back to him, he could not believe what he was seeing.


	3. A Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael pulls a Magnus - in a way - and Simon thinks it's all just a dream.

# Chapter Two: I Can't Believe You're Making Me Do This

Raphael couldn't believe what he was doing either, nor could he believe that she made him do this, indirectly. While he was actually not even near that stage of affection, he had to act now, where he still could. If that meant, getting onto one knee and taking Simon's hand before asking him this heavily emotional question, then be it. He could explain everything to Simon later, but for now, everyone, including himself, needed to be able to take him by his word.

With a voice as soft as velvet and warm as a blanket, the older vampire began: **"Simon, it pains me that I have to do this now and here, since I would've wished for a far more pleasant moment, but I have no other choice."** Raphael avoided to side-glance at the Queen for that and continued instead. **"The happiness in your eyes, the moment you leave the stage after a gig. The smile full of joy, when something you did worked. You, laughing about those horribly punny jokes you make. I know that I wouldn't want to miss your sunny attitude for long. After all, you are a daylighter and that basically means you can still fill yourself with sunshine, until you burst. I hate to admit it, but it's utterly quiet and tremendously boring when you're not around."** He had to chuckle at that, but got back to his warm, meaningful smile relatively quickly afterwards. 

Simon's face too had changed. From fear lurking in his eyes, chocking him speechless, to a surprised, but very flattered and cheerful smile. There was no way that this was real. This had to be a totally weird dream, he was sure of it, but for now he just enjoyed this sudden display of affection, soaking up every ounce of love Raphael was giving him. The hand his clan leader was holding shivered and was shaking, but luckily, the other man's grip was strong enough to calm him a bit.

**"You deserve nothing but happiness, Simon, and I know you're not getting it here. I know I can't and wouldn't ever pressure you into saying yes. So, I'll ask you and whatever your decision is, I will accept it. You don't have to say yes, remember that."** Raphael swallowed hard. The moment had come to finally ask the question he was preparing to ask for a good two minutes now. 

**"Simon Lewis, will you allow me, Raphael Santiago, to take your hand in marriage, freely and without any pressure, so I can care for you, whatever may come, and you can care for me, wherever we may go?"**

The whole room had fallen into dead silence. Where there had been laughter before and gossipy whisper, you could've heard a needle hit the ground now, even without the heightened senses of a vampire. Eyes as blue as the ocean reflecting on an iceberg before it hit a ship, bored into Raphael's side, but he only had eyes for the man standing in front of him. Even if, in the greater scheme of things, this wasn't meant like it looked like; Raphael didn't lie. He always had had hard times confessing his feelings, but they were there and now they were out in the open for anyone around to see them. Saying, the thought was making him uncomfortable, was an understatement. Sure, he was hoping Simon understood the necessity of this proposal and said yes regardless of what he might thought about it; but what about later? Would Simon ask him if it was true? Or would he never mention it because he thought it was fake anyway and only a mean to an end? And which of those was Raphael more afraid of? 

The pause between his question and Simon's answer was actually not as long as it seemed for Raphael. His heart didn't beat anymore anyway, so it couldn't skip one - eventhough it would have if it could. When the fledgling finally spoke, his voice sounded abnormally determined and sure of the things it wanted to convey. Where usually nervousness made his tongue trip and twist, a deep calmness had taken its place, though there still were traces of upcoming tears. Joyful tears, Raphael hoped.

**"Yes. Yes, I want that! I allow you to marry me."** Only after he said that, his words picked up their pace again. **"I absolutely can not believe that you just asked me that, but yes, fuck yes, yes, I want to!"** He was jumping up and down a little, barely able to hold his tears back.

The Seelie Queen, having pulled her arm out of Simon's embrace, stared at him, and for the moment, even she was speechless. She had hoped for Raphael to give up more easily. She had been sure, Simon would at least decline, even if his friend had the guts to ask him for marriage. And now she saw her chance to have a daylighter in her court slip through her fingers like cold sand. This wouldn't be the end of it, but for now, she was unable to hold him here willingly.

Raphael reached into one of his jacket pockets, pulling out a black and red bracelet, he had knotted himself. Inititally with the intention of gifting it to Simon someday, he figured this would be the best substitute for a ring neither of them could wear anyway. Simon watched in awe as Raphael tied the knot after wrapping it around the younger vampire's wrist, and then, finally, got up onto his feet again. They couldn't let go of each other's hands, and Raphael had a hard time diverting his loving gaze towards the Queen, but he obviously had to now. 

**"Your majesty, I think you can't keep Simon here anymore now."** He would've loved to openly mock her. He had shown her that she couldn't just demand someone to marry her and use force and kidnapping if they declined. But, he thought better of it. They weren't save yet. They would only be able to relax a bit, when they had left the Seelie Queen's realm, and he knew that. 

There was an awful long pause. She presumably wanted to rip Raphael's head off, but decided against it. Simon wouldn't come back to her anymore if she did that, and that was the only thing holding her back. After more than half a minute of yet more silence, she swallowed what she would've loved to spit into the vampire's face, and instead replied coldly: **"You may leave."** With which she meant: _"Leave now, or I'll kill at least one of you."_

Simon took off his borrowed jacket and handed it back to her. **"Thank you, your majesty."** And with a last bow, both left.

As they hurried through the crowd, Meliorn suddenly appeared next to them again. **"I'll guide you outside. Follow me."** The walk back to the next entrance into the mundane world was silent, but comfortable. Simon was still holding Raphael's hand, joyfully admiring the bracelet around his other wrist. He was sure that he didn't wanna wake up again so soon now. Eventually, he would have to, but the fantasy of Raphael proposing to save him from the Seelie Queen gave him a warm, fluffy feeling inside his chest; one he actually shouldn't enjoy so much. Maia was still his girlfriend, as real as this dream may felt. 

Speaking of which: Why didn't his consciousness put Maia in Raphael's place? Was there some sort of hidden symbolism in this? Did he actually _want_ Raphael to propose to him? God, this was giving him a headache. Inside a dream. What the fuck?

On the other hand: Yes, exactly. It was just a dream. Raphael saving him with a proposal could mean literally anything else. Simon told his thoughts to shut up for once, and focused back on his dream-fiancé. Looking him all over, hardly able to grasp what had just happened. 

They reached the portal faster than Simon had thought they would, but maybe that was because he had been so lost in his thought that he didn't even register how far they had walked already. Raphael thanked Meliorn with a longer nod. They knew they couldn't speak, but Raphael owed him a favour now, and a big one at that. And he knew he would gladly do him that favour, whatever it would be. Or, you know, at least anything that didn't involve the Queen. They could discuss those details when the time would have arrived. Now, Raphael's only wish was to step back into the park where they had come from and bring Simon back home.

The moon was illuminating the path as they jumped through the door, landing safely in New York. A cold breeze ruffled through his hair, and Raphael inhaled the clean night air to calm down. **"I can't believe I just did that,"** he murmured while starting to walk towards the exit of the park. Simon followed him, while picking the flowers out of his hair. They were still holding hands, none of the two ready to let go just yet. 

**"Are you okay?"** Simon asked softly after a moment, scanning his clan leader and sending another petal to the ground.

Raphael gave an honest smile. **"I am now, yes."** He locked eyes with his company, amusingly watching the young man de-flower his head. **"I bring you to the Hotel, okay? Back home. We can pick up your stuff tomorrow."**

**"Yeah, sure. I mean. I'm probably gonna wake up any minute now and realize, that I still have to marry the Seelie Queen, but as long as I can have this fantasy here, I'm going to enjoy it."** The fledgling chuckled, pocketing a gem that looked valuable, but didn't notice how Raphael came to an halt, until he ran into him. **"What? I mean, come on. You can't be the real Raphael."**

The certainty with which Simon said that, stung deep in Raphael's chest. His voice fell flat, that shocked he was. **"Why would you think that?"**

Simon didn't lose a second. **"Well, obviously, because the real Raphael would've never come to save my ass again. Not after what I said to him the last time. He has limits too, you know? And I crossed the line with the- the stuff I said about his sister. Which I didn't mean that way. But I only realized that after I said it. I just acted in the moment. Which, is not an excuse, but at least- at least it's an explaination?"** The clan leader listened to these words, only slowly grasping just how guilty Simon felt for all of this. Sure, he definitely _should_ feel horrible for it, but actually seeing him suffer like this? **"The last time I asked for help, he said he would, but only if I told him how I became a daylighter. But I couldn't. Because I've sworn to protect-- To..To not say anything about it. And understandably, he refused then. I know he's still super mad at me. Thus, this is only a dream and I will wake up and marry the Queen like I promised to."** He was babbling at this point, rambling, saying everything that came into his mind, without thinking about it twice. In the end, his shoulders lumped forward. He so did not want to go through with it, but he had to. And he didn't raise his head. That's why he didn't see how hurt Raphael looked at him, knowing this was the realest real talk Simon definitely wouldn't give to the older vampire's face. But because he was thinking this was all a dream and Raphael would never know anyway, he did. 

Softly, Raphael reached for Simon's other hand as well. **"Simon, this is not a dream. I'm.. I'm sorry for not helping you at first, but in the end it doesn't matter if you're gonna tell me or not, because I should've helped you either way. That aside..."** He paused for a second, grabbing the other's hands tighter. **"This is real, Simon. You were going to marry the Queen and I just saved you, by... by proposing to you."**

It really sounded ridiculous and if Raphael hadn't just witnessed it with his own eyes, he wouldn't have believed it either. 

The fledgling stared at him, disbelief in his eyes. Slowly, oh-so-slowly, he shook his head. **"Yeaaaah, suuure... Of course. Definitely, amigo."**

Raphael sighed. **"Look at your phone, if you don't believe me. Phone screens don't work in dreams."**

At this, Simon let go of one hand and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Turning on the screen and unlocking it, he froze. **"Fuck, I have like 10 messages from Maia and--"** The younger vampire raised his gaze to Raphael. **"Wait. That means... You- We-"** His gaze flickered to their interwined fingers, his new bracelet and into the direction of the portal they had left a few minutes ago. Eventually he looked back to his company and whispered: **"Fuck. We really just-- G--. Fuck, she's gonna be so mad. The Queen's gonna be so mad, she'll probably come back with an- with an army and- and.. and then- then, she kills us all, because I rejected her, _again_. Oh fuck, oh g--. Raphael, why did I do this?!"**

Pressing his hand, the older vampire softly replied: **"Hey, hey, Simon. Calm down. Calm down, everything's--"**

**"No, it's not alright. It's _not_ gonna be alright. I just left her in the midst of a _marriage ceremony_ , like Alec, but different. And worse. Definitely worse."** Simon threw his hands in the air and grabbed into his own hair, closing his eyes in agony. Seemingly dozen of left-over flowers were shaken off his head by that. **"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. _FUCK!_ "**

Under different circumstances, Raphael would've chuckled at the stupid comparison to Alec and Magnus, or the way he looked so cute with rose petals on his clothes, but Simon was freaking out here and was definitely not in the mood for a laughter. So, instead he placed a hand on each of the other man's shoulders. Wrapping him into a metaphorical blanket, he whispered: **"Simon, I meant when I said that there are different ways to protect the ones you love. Sacrificing your happiness is not the only choice you have. Hey, look at me."** Slowly, the fledling obeyed and opened his eyes again; Raphael could see bloody tears filling them. Warm and soft his voice, he continued: **"You did not fuck this up, Simon. She can't hurt you as much as she threatens to do. She's old and bored and loves to mess with your mind. Shhh, it's gonna be alright. Trust me."**

It pained him to see Simon like this. Devasted, frightened, panicking. The young man was shaking and desperatedly trying to hold back his tears. **"Really?"** he whimpered, wanting so bad to be able to believe his clan leader.

But different than the last time Raphael saw him like that, he was helping him now, trying to fix this. **"Yes, Simon. We can defend ourselves against her."** It certainly wouldn't be super easy, but they had killed a seelie before. If it came down to that, Raphael wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again. Especially for Simon.

The young man helplessly wrapped his arms around Raphael, hiding his face in the curve of his neck. The older vampire needed a second to overcome the initial surprise, but then hugged him and patted his back caringly. Simon whispered a small **"Thank you."** which Raphael almost didn't pick up at first. 

When he replied, he didn't notice how easy the pet name left his lips. **"No need to thank me, cariño*."** Simon was too shaken to realize that it was one at all.

They stayed like this for an unknown amount of time, just taking comfort in the presence of the other without asking questions. Without demanding anything. Just knowing they were safe for now. Raphael inhaled Simon's scent, knowing it wouldn't leave his nose for a long time. Simon's sobs ebbed down, for once not immediately apologizing for the bloody mess he made. **"We should get going, the sun gets up soon,"** Raphael stated after a while, reminding the younger vampire once more, that not everyone here was able to walk in the sun. 

**"Yes, yes,of course."** Simon nodded and slowly let go of the other. As much as he wanted to hug Raphael for even longer - he sadly couldn't hug a pile of ashes, so that had to be avoided. 

Wiping away Simon's tears and taking his hand again, Raphael gave him a sympathic smile, before both now finally started walking towards the Hotel DuMort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cariño, spanish, is an equivalent of "darling" or "honey"


	4. A Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon spent the night at the Hotel DuMort and Raphael talks to Maia. Also, some talk about asexuality and kisses.

# Chapter Three: Needless To Say, My Heart Felt Light

Raphael woke up somewhen around midday. They had decided against the caskets in favour of one of the doublebeds. Although feeling awkward at first, the two men had silently agreed on throwing the obvious _'We kinda hated each other until an hour ago, so, we actually should not want to cuddle with each other right now.'_ out of the window and just put their argument aside for the night. After that, it had been surprisingly easy for Raphael to cuddle with Simon, letting him closer than most people. Or, maybe not _that_ surprisingly, really. They had both needed the warmth of the other, and Raphael liked to pretend it was _just_ because of the overwhelming events that evening before, but he knew better.

Someone was snoring quietly on his chest, and Raphael stared at Simon in awe, slightly shocked how good this actually felt. Not in his wildest dreams had he hoped for that kind of touch to send his undead heart into a metaphorical overdrive, and yet, here he was. He knew they had to talk about it all still, about the proposal, and Maia, and what rejecting the Seelie Queen a third time really meant. But for now, for now Raphael didn't want anything more than to watch the fledgling sleep carelessly on his chest, no worries on his face or tears in his eyes. If he had been able to, he would've packed this moment into a bag and sealed it, so the next time he needed Simon's warmth and happiness, he could just open it and warm himself with the memory of better times. His fingers carefully touched Simon's hair, ruffling it softly. He knew he had to enjoy this for as long as possible. Whenever the young man would wake up, they would have to face the cold hard truth. Which meant, that this proposal had been just a mean to an end, a tool to save Simon from himself. Raphael was fully aware of that. So much so, that the thought of getting closer to Simon, of someday waking up next to the fledgling, knowing his heart belonged to the clan leader, felt utterly unrealistic. The younger vampire was in love with the werewolf girl, and Raphael would not be the one to steal her boyfriend. Maia deserved better than that. And Simon too. Raphael cared too much to even consider initiating anything further. _If_ Simon, for some reason and one some day in the future, decided he was interested in Raphael - that would be a whole different thing. For now, he was probably hoping to get back to Maia, so he could tell her how stupid that idea had been and how much he loved her. Raphael was actually okay with that.

Right on cue one of the phones on the nightstand vibrated heavily. For a second Raphael thought it was just a message, but the vibration didn't stop. He cautiously took Simon's phone and looked at the screen. Maia. Who else? There was no second of hesitation before he picked up the call.

**"Hey Maia, it's Raphael."**

**"Raphael? Was he with you _the whole night_ ?"** She sounded confused, and only slightly worried, which, made Raphael pause. While Simon couldn't have predicted that he would be rescued by Raphael, the clan leader had at least thought, Simon had told her about the Seelie Queen thing; but Maia's voice sounded way too calm for that. So, was he to believe, in the way she emphasized _'the whole night'_ instead of _'you'_ , that Simon had used him as a cover-up?

He didn't skip a beat and adapted rather quickly to that situation. Sounding almost cheerful, he replied: **"Well, yes. After Valentine's defeat he came here, and we celebrated a bit. He's still sleeping, but he's gonna be fine."**

An amused laughter filled Raphael's ear. **"Did he drink too much? Again?"**

The clan leader managed a soft chuckle himself. **"He isn't quite the drinker, it seems, no. But, like I said: He's gonna be fine, don't worry. Nothing, some sleep can't fix."**

There was a small pause, born out of a lack of words. **"...Well, then. He said he'd call me, so, remind him, when he wakes up, alright?"**

**"Sure, will do."**

**"Thank you, Raphael. See you around?"**

At that, the vampire had to pause. She did trust him immensely, didn't she? Or was it just the relief about Valentine's defeat, making her all friendly? He decided to take it either way and smiled a bit. **"I hope so. Bye."** It clicked as he ended the call and put the phone back onto the nightstand.

 **"Thanks."** Raphael froze in surprise. He probably should've been able to notice that Simon was awake, but he didn't. **"For lying, I mean."** The head on Raphael's chest rose and two brown eyes looked at him, full of guilt.

The older vampire furrowed his brows, his expression turned serious. **"What did you tell her, Simon?"**

Simon diverted his gaze back onto Raphael's bare chest. It was quite evident how much the fledgling regretted his actions, even if the clan leader was sure, he only did it with the best intentions. Silence fell over both, until the younger of them sighed. **"I told her that I needed to see you and the clan, to tell you about everything that went down and stuff,"** he murmured, before breaking into a fast-paced ramble. **"She would've stopped me. A-and as much as I love her, it's-- It was for the better, Raphael. Not only would she have held me back, but she also, probably, would've thought, I was cheating on her with the Queen, and- and.. No. Just, no. Sorry for using you as an excuse, it was the first thing that came into my mind, and--"**

Raphael stopped him there. While it flattered him, that he had been the first person Simon had thought of, he couldn't express that. His hand softly touching Simon's cheek, he shook his head. **"I know, Simon. I don't mind. But you should tell her about the Queen. It's dangerous not to. Besides, that lie could easily break your neck one day."** Just thinking about how she had kidnapped the werewolf the last time, it wasn't that much of a stretch to see her doing it again, but worse this time. Raphael also assumed, the Queen wouldn't keep the truth from her either. While lying was out of the question, seelies knew their way around the truth - what they wanted to stay buried, they would bury themselves. Maia had to hear about it from Simon, or the Queen would tell her. With a victorious and cruel smile too.

Heavy silence fell over the two. **"I know."** was all, Simon said, absent-mindly drawing circles onto Raphael's stomach. The clan leader was hyper-aware of the other's touch, but had to pretend he wasn't. Instead of commenting on it, he decided to get up so he could get them something to drink. But as he moved to the edge of the bed, a hand wrapped itself around his wrist, pulling him back. **"Stay, please."** It was nothing but a whisper, and yet Raphael couldn't fight against the other's wishful voice. His heart would've gotten ripped in two, if he had gotten up nevertheless.

So instead, he moved closer to Simon and, hesitantly, pulled him into a hug, unsure if the other wanted that and at any second ready to let go again. But the fledgling stayed inside of the other's embrace, even wrapped his arms around him as well. Tightly so. Raphael inhaled the young man's scent, softly ruffling through his hair while holding him close. He wasn't able to exactly pinpoint down why Simon needed that closeness, apart from _everything else that was going on_ , but it didn't matter much. Even if the young man had no particular reason, it would've been more than okay for Raphael, if only so he could pretend for a moment more, that Simon would eventually stay with him and not go back to his girlfriend.

But... yeah, that was wishful thinking, and very mean one at that. He assumed Simon wouldn't want to stay, should he find out about the feelings Raphael had for him.

What he didn't assume, was Simon's next action.

The fledgling pulled himself out of the hug, but his fingers stayed on the other's skin, and his eyes locked with Raphael's. The older vampire could see determination on his face and a bit of despair, before Simon leaned in, stopping only inches away from the other's lips, presumably, so Raphael himself could decide if he wanted to close the distance between them, or not. It was hard to fight against his wish to give in, and he definitely considered just letting it happen. He would've loved to close his eyes and feel Simon's lips softly brushing against his, if that hadn't meant, agreeing to sex in the same moment. Biting his own lips, he backed away, which caused Simon to retreat immediately too.

 **"Sorry, I didn't mean to-",** the younger one started, but Raphael shook his head.

 **"It's not...It's not about you, Simon."** A pause. **"I'm just not interested in that. In sex."**  There was a certain confidence in his words, signalling Simon that Raphael knew what he was talking about. It reminded the older vampire of the evening with Isabelle, where he had told her the same. But this was different. Greatly so. There were no drugs involved, no high that was making his heart feel things that weren't there. He was actually and really in love with the fledgling, even if he didn't confess it yet.

Simon's reaction was different than Isabelle's too. He tilted his head with interest, but smiled, before scratching his neck nervously. **"I actually.. I mean.. I wasn't going to go _there_ , Raphael. Eheh. Thanks for telling me though, I'll remember it. Does... does that mean, a kiss _without_ sex would be okay? I mean, you- you obviously don't have to tell me, if- if you don't want to, I'm just.. curious. Boundaries are important and stuff."**

Now Raphael was the one tilting his head. **"Kissing _without_ sex?"** he echoed. That was a thought he hadn't even considered yet. **"I always thought, kisses were promises to have fun later, or part of foreplay?"**

Simon shook his head. **"Not necessarily, I'd say. If you say you don't wanna have sex, but are generally okay with kissing, then your partner should respect that. Always. No slow seduction aka _'If I only try hard enough, he will eventually give in.'_ , no pressuring into stuff, no emotional blackmail. Just kisses."** He looked as if he wondered why the clan leader had apparently never heard of that concept. Was it because he was old and not an online native? But, wasn't Magnus bisexual? Wouldn't he know? They were close friends after all, right?

 **"Oh,"** Raphael said, his eyes flickering between the blanket, Simon's face and the door at the other side of the room. **"You mean, you could.. you could kiss me without wanting more?"** That had always been his biggest fear in these matters. He never knew if that was possible or not, so he avoided kissing altogether. After Isabelle had accepted the fact that Raphael wasn't into sex at all, she hadn't asked if kissing alone was okay for him, so he just assumed he was right in thinking there could be not the one without the other. But apparently he had been wrong all along.

If it had been physically possible, Simon would've blushed at that question. **"Y-Yes? Yes, I could. Only if you want, though."**

Raphael hesitated. Of course he wanted to. The fluffy, warm feeling arising inside his chest at the thought alone would've made his heart pick up its pace. And he couldn't say it wasn't tempting, but... Maia came into his thoughts again, how relieved she had sounded that Simon was safe at the DuMort. He couldn't just go and break that trust. No. He was the older one of them, and he had to stop this, before Simon would actually cheat on Maia - but with Raphael, instead of the Seelie Queen. Giving Simon a small smile, he said: **"I would love... for you to..to kiss me, but, you still have Maia, Simon. And I just told her on the phone, that you're safe with me."**  

Only slowly did he realize that...that, apparently, Simon was actually interested in him as well? Not even fifteen minutes ago Raphael had been ready to sent Simon off to Maia, because he obviously didn't reciprocate his feelings; and now he had to stop the younger vampire from kissing him,  _while_ being in a relationship with someone else? Were the fledgling's feeling that strong? Raphael couldn't wrap his head around that discovery.

Shame crept onto Simon's face. **"Yeah, no, of course, sorry. That's-- I wouldn't cheat on anyone. Not without regretting it until the day I day. And since that day is utterly far away from me... Ugh, I just..."** He paused, licking his lips and avoiding the other man's gaze.  **"Raphael, I just... You know, after all the things that had happened, I didn't think, you... and me... I... I wanted to, Raphael. I wanted _you_. But I did so many things wrong without thinking about it twice and only afterwards I realized how much I hurt you, every, single, time. So.. I decided to forget about it, because, how high were the chances, right? Like, that you wanted me too? Especially after all the trouble I caused? Yeah, no, not even the tiniest bit high."**  He let himself fall onto the matress again, hiding his face partly behind one of his hands.  **"Then I focused on Clary and after she..."** Simon didn't finish the sentence, but Raphael knew very well what he meant.  **"..after that was over, Maia was just... there for me. Her heart is so utterly big, g-- I don't even deserve it. That big."** His hand lifted from his face, he streched his arms as far as he could to signify how big Maia's heart apparently was. Then, they dropped down again.  **"But I never got over that stupid crush on you. Which, isn't even a fuckin crush anymore. And I hate myself for it, because I'm gonna break Maia's heart now. _Again._ "** Another pause, before he corrected himself.  **"I mean. Not that _I_ have broken her heart twice, but her heart had been broken already and I would break it the second-- you  _know_ what I mean."**

Raphael cleared his throat. Like so many things today, he hadn't expected this huge and detailed confession. And hell, he couldn't even be fully happy about it, because Simon's face was the personification of _pain_. Simon seemed finished with it though, and the clan leader felt the need to say something,  _anything_ about it. A half-smile on lips, he started:  **"I... I'm surprised, Simon, to be fully honest with you. I _can_ understand why you would keep it to yourself, I really can. I, myself, didn't want to tell you, because you were obviously very happy with that werewolf girl. I didn't wanna interrupt you two."**  Thinking, the fledgling had wanted Raphael the whole time, seemed to good to be true, but the clan leader was aware of how honest his company was right now.  **"But... if you really want to be... _mine_ , then you have to break up with Maia first. I don't wanna be your little secret."**

That, finally, made Simon look up and meet the other vampire's gaze.  **"Wait, you- you really want to- You'd want to be my...?!"**

Raphael's face softened.  **"Did I not make that clear? _Dios_ , Simon. Yes. Yes I would date you. But only, if you--" **The rest of the sentence was cut off, as Simon tackle-hugged the clan leader and sent them both flying off the bed. 

A small  **"Ouch.** **"** came from Raphael, as he was the one landing on the floor, back first, underneath Simon.

The younger vampire immediately jumped up and apologized ten times, before pulling the other onto his feet again. **"Fuck, I didn't think- I had _no_ idea, that you- Wow, okay, that's...wow."**  The excitement was clearly visible on his face, but vanished before he started his next sentence.  **"She'll probably hate me. And she'd be right to do so... But there's no other way around it. She'd hate me even more, if I just did something like that behind her back. You're totally right. As always."**

A sigh escaped the clan leader.  **"Take your time, Simon. There's absolutely no need to rush this. We have time."** If he had been ready to wait a few decades for the younger vampire to come to him, these few days or weeks wouldn't do any harm now either. **"And now come, call Maia. I'll get us something to drink."** With that, he patted Simon's shoulder, put his shirt back on and a pair of jeans, and left the room.

 


End file.
